


Mahal's mistakes

by orphan_account



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Body Dysphoria, Cookies, F/M, Fluff, I'm rambling sorry, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Character, Trans Female Character, and a sweet significant other, but something nice to eat sure always help, no one should have to face life and dysphoria without good cookies, or a good friend because not everyone is in it for romantic love really, yes the cookies are important
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-05
Updated: 2014-01-05
Packaged: 2018-01-07 14:42:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1121061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some days, Kili has trouble dealing with her body, the things that she is, the things that she is not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mahal's mistakes

**Author's Note:**

> done in answer to a prompt on tumblr  
> But there's never enough trans fics in this fandom, so I've decided to post it on its own because of reasons  
> Mostly because I feel like shit and I enjoy giving myself the illusion that there are a lot of fics for this ship

It started…

It started with men, laughing at the idea of a woman with a beard, even a small, well kept one.

It started with other men telling her that she would have looked like an elf, without her beard… a small elf, and not the prettiest of all, but an elf nonetheless.

It started with listening to dwarves talk about elves, and the rumour that since the tall ones were all beardless like a female human, they really were all girls, every single one of them.

It started looking at Ori drawing elves for fun, because he had been travelling a bit with his brother, and comment about one of them being the prettiest girl he’d ever seen, and so nice and graceful too.

It started…

It started with looking in a mirror on a bad morning, and hating the boyish face she always saw there.

Even as she grabbed a knife, she knew she would be regretting it once she would have calmed down. But there was something twistedly gleeful in that knowledge, in having the power to ruin someone that way… even if that someone was herself.

Kili cut herself a few time, because a knife was not the best shaving tool ever, but that too felt almost good. It felt like a punishment, one that her face and her body deserved for being so _wrong_. It hurt but she _wanted_ it to hurt, she wanted power over that body that was nothing like she wanted it to be, would never be the way she wanted it. She wanted to turn that blade against herself and carve that body until it was a little closer to what it ought to have been, in a perfect world.

She didn’t, because even at her worse, she knew that there was a difference between a few cuts on her face and trying to cut off the useless thing between her legs. But the impulse to do something awful was still there, the need to punish herself for not being _right_ …

Her eyes fell on the mirror again, and she saw a wild thing there, a strange creature with no beard but with an unruly mane surrounding a bloody face. She laughed.

There was still too much hair on her.

*******

Ori hadn’t seen Kili in two days, and he worried. It wasn’t like the princess to disappear like that. Even when they couldn’t find time to be together, he usually managed to catch a glimpse of her here and there as she performed her duties.

But it had been two days, and he hadn’t seen her anywhere.

Ori was worried. Kili hadn’t looked too well last time they’d talked (and maybe he shouldn’t have fawned so much over that elf he’d met travelling with Nori, no matter how well they had gotten along) and when he’d dared to ask Fili, it had been so obvious that the prince had lied when he’d said his sister was busy.

So Ori did the only sensible thing possible: he went to see his princess with a plate of her favourite biscuits.

Dis let him in, of course, but she warned him that Kili might not want to see him,which was worrying too. And indeed, when he knocked on the princess’s door, she shouted that she wasn’t there.

"Kee, it’s Ori," the scribe said, glancing at Dis who was staring at the door anxiously.

"Go away! I said I wasn’t there!"

"Did something happen? Is it something I…"

"It’s not! Go away!"

Ori looked at Dis, who sighed and shook her head.

"If she won’t tell you, neither will I, Ori."

"Of course," the scribe mumbled, sighing too. Looking at the plate in his hands, he decided to try this at least. "Kee, I have chocolate and raspberries cookies. You know, the one you really like. Should I give them to your mother so you may have them when you’re better?"

There was a moment of silence then, and Ori thought that his last chance had failed… but there was a rustle inside, and the door opened slightly, just enough for him to see that Kili was wearing a long scarf on her face, with only her eyes and nose visible.

"You can come in," she grumbled. "But if you say anything, I’m kicking you out and we’re over!"

The scribe nodded quickly, his insides twisting as he followed her inside. They’d had some disagreements here and there, and things had not always been perfect, but it was the first time she was talking of breaking up with him. He didn’t know if she was serious or not. He didn’t want to find out.

"Well, what did you want then?" she asked angrily, sitting on her bed with her arms crossed before her.

"I just… wanted to see you. See if you were well? Are… are you well?"

"Fine as marble," Kili spat. "Don’t I look it?"

Ori bit his lip, unsure what to say.

"Cookie?" he offered, and she glared at him. "Not cookie then."

There was an awkward silence, Ori not daring to sit without permission, not this time.

"Well, aren’t you gonna ask then?" Kili snarled. "I know you’re dying to, so just do it!"

"I think the point of you wearing that scarf is… is that you don’t want to be seen," Ori said hesitantly. "I am curious, true, but… but I won’t ask anything because it’s your right to… keep things to yourself."

"Why do you always have to try to be so fucking perfect all the time?"

"Because you deserve nothing less than that," Ori replied with a shy smile, feeling a little more comfortable. _That_ was known territory. It both pleased and annoyed the princess, the way he tried so hard to only say the right thing (he lacked spontaneity, she said sometimes, and she was right, but he didn’t know any other way to behave).

"You’ll laugh if I show you," Kili warned him, fidgeting with the hem of her scarf. "You’ll laugh and I’ll hate you for it."

"I won’t laugh."

"Fili laughed."

"Your brother’s a prick, and that’s why he’ll never get laid. I won’t laugh, love. I promise."

She hesitated, but not for long. In the blink of an eye the scarf was gone, and Ori gasped.

"Don’t laugh!" Kili begged. "You said you wouldn’t laugh!"

Laughing was the very last thing on Ori’s mind. It was so much to take in, her shaved face with cuts here and there, her hair cut so short that he could almost see her skin in places…

"Oh, Kili, love," he whispered, sitting next to her at last and shyly caressing a smooth cheek. "What happened?"

"I was angry," she mumbled, looking between her feet. "I just wanted to be pretty, and I couldn’t, so I did this. I was so angry. I just wanted to be a girl and I _can_ 't.”

"You are a girl," Ori claimed, softly kissing her temple.

"Not the way I want to be. It’s just… it’s so unfair. Why can’t I just be _right_?”

"Because sometimes, the Maker makes mistakes," Ori said, pulling her in a hug. "And he’s too proud to admit he made them, let alone to correct them."

"Then he’s an idiot. A cruel idiot."

"Well, he’s a god."

Her face hidden in the crook of his neck, Kili chuckled. Ori instantly relaxed. If she could laugh, then things weren’t too bad.

Which wasn’t the same as things being right. Kili couldn’t hide forever, and there would be a scandal when people saw her hair… unless they could find a wig? Surely, Nori would know where to get one… and then, it would just be a matter of waiting until her hair grew again.

"I’m really ugly, aren’t I?" Kili sighed.

"You’re not at your best right now," Ori conceded, because he knew better than to lie. "But you’re never ugly, not to me."

Kili smiled at him then, that bright, sunny smile he’d fallen in love with, and in that moment she was the most beautiful dwarrodam in the world, at least to him.

**Author's Note:**

> There's also an art version of my answer to that prompt: http://tagathsketch.tumblr.com/post/72251956428/
> 
> enjoy


End file.
